I used to believe control was safety.
That if I could manage the schedule, the plan, the pace—
I could outrun the chaos.
But then came CSR.
And chaos didn’t knock.
It just sat itself in the center of my vision and refused to move.
Suddenly, I couldn’t force clarity.
I couldn’t push through.
I couldn’t fix it with willpower or spreadsheets.
I had to sit in it.
Watch it.
Let it be blurry, and still breathe anyway.
Control Used to Be My Currency
It showed up in my:
- Productivity
- Planning
- Health routines
- Inbox zero
- Constant scanning of the future for what could go wrong
It was subtle. Efficient. Rewarded.
Until it broke me.
CSR didn’t just pull the plug on my vision—it exposed how much of my peace was tied to managing outcomes.
The Truth CSR Made Me Face
I wasn’t in control.
Not of my healing timeline.
Not of my body’s response to stress.
Not of when the fluid would clear or how soon I’d “feel normal” again.
And that realization didn’t come gently.
It came with frustration, anger, bargaining, disbelief.
Until finally, I stopped asking:
“How do I fix this?”
And started asking:
“How can I meet this?”
Letting Go Didn’t Mean Giving Up
It meant:
- Trusting my body to know what it was doing
- Trusting that rest could be productive
- Trusting that slowing down wouldn’t make me disappear
Letting go meant finally allowing myself to be cared for, not just by others—but by me.
I had to learn to hold myself gently in the uncertainty.
And that was the most radical form of control I’ve ever known.
What I’ve Stopped Controlling Since CSR
- My exact healing timeline
- My energy levels
- Other people’s understanding
- The speed of my output
- The outcome of every effort
What I’ve started cultivating instead:
- Response, not reactivity
- Surrender, not submission
- Faith, not fear
Letting Go Is a Daily Practice
Even now, when my vision is clear again, I catch myself gripping.
Trying to squeeze certainty out of soft spaces.
And I have to return—again and again—to what CSR taught me:
That control was never the goal.
Presence was.
Peace was.
Clarity—not in my sight, but in my soul—was.
Bottom Line:
CSR didn’t steal control from me.
It revealed I never had it to begin with.
And in the wake of that revelation,
I found something softer.
Something more honest.
Something far more sustainable:
A new way of being—with myself, with my body, and with the blur.
